Wife: Have you been drinking? Me: Wait, you haven’t been? Apparently we have very different ideas about how to chaperon this field trip. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 26, 2014 I wanted to get a […]
Doctor: Everything checks out fine Deb. You’re in great shape for your age. Me: For your age? Eh, thanks doc. Anything else or can I hobble out of here on my walker. Doctor: Hah, you’re […]
As someone who lives in St. Louis, home of Anheiser Busch, I’m quite the beer drinker. In all honesty, the two are not necessarily related. I would drink beer regardless of where I reside, but […]
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men. Peter: *harpoons a guy* Jesus: Too literal, bro. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 26, 2014 Sure, random teenager, you have swag, but only if “swag” means […]
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2014 Me: I’m one card away from […]
Judge: Did you kill this man? Me: He said "j/k." Judge: That’s no excuse. Me: He actually said "slash." Judge: Not guilty. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 10, 2013 Sorry, bro, but this […]
Dear Lord, please explain to our dimwitted redneck neighbor that using plastic milk jugs as floating pool toys only works after you drink the milk, Amen.
Maybe I shouldn’t have done it? Maybe I was wrong? Having said that, I’ve never been wrong about anything before but there has to be a first time for everything I suppose? Wait a minute, […]