Unicorn Bites #569

[in church] 4-year-old: *makes lightsaber noises* Wife: Stop. Me: I’ll handle this. *takes kid to the cry room* *has a lightsaber duel* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 23, 2014 Me: I’m 29. Do you know […]

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Unicorn Bites 6/22/14

[in church] Me: Stop crying or I’ll take you outside. 2-year-old: *keeps crying* Me: *takes her outside* *gives her $1* *opens Twitter* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2014 4-year-old: I’m fighting sharks in space! […]

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Powegian Breakfast Burrito, Religion, and War

Fusion Entree POWEGIAN BREAKFAST BURRITO INGREDIENTS ½ white onion 1 tomato 2 tablespoons vegetable oil 1 4 ounce can diced green chiles 6 eggs (1 more egg later) 18 8″ flour tortillas 1 pound Italian […]

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Unicorn Bites 4/13/14

Wife: You put cheese on every hamburger you grilled Me: Yup Wife: What about people who don’t like cheese? Me: They can go back to Russia — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 13, 2014 Me: *fucks […]

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Older Brothers Behaving Badly

I was asked recently, “What story had the biggest impact on me when I was a child.” My response was: My older brothers made me read a story when I was in second or third grade, […]

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