The Polar Vortex Loves New York
The Polar Vortex got bored with its usual routine of deep-freezing only the northern latitudes and decided to take advantage of global warming and take a trip south. It had never been to New York […]
Tag: New York City
Heroin Dealer Exonerated After Revealing That He Only Sold Heroin To “That Dude From Nickelback”
The recent heroin overdose by beloved and talented actor Philip Seymour Hoffman has brought about calls for immediate action by authorities. New York City police have been furiously searching for the dealer who sold Hoffman […]
New York City Experiencing a Murder Drought
NYC has gone an entire week without a murder. Some possible reasons for this positive trend: 1.Like everyone else, would-be murderers are spending their time hunting for their Miley Cyrus twerking outfit–this year’s most sought […]
How Do You Know It’s Summer in New York City?
1. You can feel the heat of the pavement through your shoes. 2. You shake your head at tourists wearing flip-flops on blazing Manhattan sidewalks, and wonder how long it will take for all those […]
How Not to Be an Annoying Tourist in New York City
In my last essay, titled “How to Talk to People in Europe Without Sounding Like a Stupid Foreigner,” I dropped some pearls of advice to American travelers in Europe. I will now reverse myself and […]
Horror Meets Humor Week on HO: Live Girls
In this scene, protagonist Davey Owen has sneaked into the basement beneath Live Girls, a peepshow in Times Square run by beautiful, deadly vampires. … He began kicking his legs to push himself against […]
No Candy Bars for Women Behind Bars?
NYC’s Mayor Bloomberg wants to ban chocolate bars and chips from the city’s prisons in an effort to improve the nutritional habits of their “guests”. It’s just my opinion, but I bet that if we […]