The Place to Take a Humor Break
In social situations, my 3-year-old recites random facts. Her favorite is, “When you and mommy get old, you’ll die.” She’s fun at parties. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 3, 2013 No, I didn’t […]
My 3-year-old daughter said, “Daddy, can you please go away now?” She’s already turning into her mother. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 30, 2013 How many fucks I give is directly proportional to […]
When I hear about shoppers who die on Black Friday, I worry because my mom is out there right now & she’s probably the one who killed them. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November […]
Me: "Am I pretty?" 3-year-old daughter: "Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome." Me: "Am I handsome?" 3-year-old: "No." — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 22, 2013 Turning on a guy is like flipping a light […]
Me: Let’s go to a photographer 3: I’m scared of tigers M: I said "photographer." He takes pictures 3: Don't let a tiger take my picture — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2013 […]
Me: Why do you love me? Wife: *shrugs* Me: Why do you find me annoying? Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart* — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 19, 2013 Me: What do […]
Wife: Does this shirt make me look pregnant? Me: No, it makes you look fat. Just once, it’d be nice if my brain and mouth worked together. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, […]
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours. Me: What does my hair look like? 3: Like stupid. She gets her tact from me. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2013 […]
3-year-old: “What’s the opposite of a horse?” Me: “I have no idea.” 3: “A taco!” Kids are basically random word generators. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 8, 2013 When Jennifer Aniston cuts her […]
My diet plan: 1) cut a brownie in two 2) eat half 3) eat the other half 4) die fat. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 28, 2013 The main reason I knocked up […]