Tag: toddlers

Unicorn Bites 1/17/14

James Breakwell

3-year-old: There’s a monster in my closet. Me: No, he’s in the pantry. 3: Me: He only eats kids. She’ll never open my Cheetos again. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 17, 2014 I don’t know […]

Share this Post:

Unicorn Bites 1/15/14

James Breakwell

If you’re lactose intolerant, eat more beef. It won’t help your condition. It’ll just teach those cows a lesson for trying to kill you. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 15, 2014 Me: Where’s the remote? […]

Share this Post:

Unicorn Bites 1/6/14

James Breakwell

3-year-old: *spreads her arms* I love you this much. Me: You love me 3 feet? I’m 6’2”. You love half of me. 3: Me: I GAVE YOU LIFE — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January […]

Share this Post:

Unicorn Bites 1/3/14

James Breakwell

I hit my wife’s ass with a wooden spoon in the hope it would lead to sex, but it actually led to a spoon fight that I lost. Marriage is hard — James Breakwell, Exploding […]

Share this Post:

Unicorn Bites 12/31/13

James Breakwell

3-year-old: Daddy, don’t dance while you drive. Me: Fine. When should I dance? 3: Never. She’s a prodigy at being ashamed of me. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 31, 2013 Our 1-year-old has […]

Share this Post:

Unicorn Bites 12/5/13

James Breakwell

My 1-year-old learned to turn on the microwave. I told her to move out. There’s nothing more I can teach her. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 5, 2013 If you want kids, don’t […]

Share this Post:

Unicorn Bites 12/4/13

James Breakwell

Me: "Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up." Wife: "You mean 'kids,' plural, right?" Me: "I’ll be right back." — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 4, 2013   My boss asked me to […]

Share this Post: