Unicorn Bites 3/11/14

Me:*turns on car radio* 3-year-old: Why do they keep saying “sexy.” M: It means “fun to hug” 3: Our dog is sexy! Now we drive in silence — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 11, 2014 I […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/8/14

Me:*sings* How’d I sound? Wife: Like a cat in a wood chipper I’d be insulted but I’m more concerned w/ how she knows what that sounds like — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 8, 2014 An […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/6/14

Me: Now do you believe me? Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted. Me: Then who made all that ice? Wife: *walks away* Me: WHO?! — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 6, 2014 Wife: How much do you […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/2/14

Me: Ow! Why’d you hit me with your fairy wand? 3-year-old daughter: It’s a lightsaber! I’ve never gone from anger to pride so fast. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 2, 2014 3-year-old: *takes 1-year-old’s toy* […]

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Unicorn Bites 2/24/14

Detective: I found the murder weapon. *holds up kindness* Rookie cop: You mean she killed him with… Detective: Yep Rookie: *throws up* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 24, 2014 3-year-old: Do you have a mat […]

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Unicorn Bites 2/16/14

Wife: *cleans like crazy* Me: Calm down. It’s my mom coming over, not the pope. *my mom walks in with the pope* Wife: Mother fucker… — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 16, 2014 My 1-year-old figured […]

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Unicorn Bites 2/1/14

My 3-year-old saw a picture of an orangutan and asked if it was a wookie. She lives in a world where Chewbacca is real. Childhood is awesome — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 2, 2014 Women […]

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Unicorn Bites 1/21/14

Me: It’s cold. You need a hat. 3-year-old daughter: But it’ll mess up my hair. She put fashion ahead of comfort. She’s officially a woman. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2014 When my wife […]

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Unicorn Bites 1/19/14

I bought my kids an inflatable punching bag. My 1-year-old daughter stabbed it with a pen. She learned to fight on the streets. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 19, 2014 Not to brag, but I […]

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