Unicorn Bites 4/14/14
1-year-old: *walks in with a handful of Pringles* Me: You can’t have those for breakfast. 1: *hands me one* Me: I didn’t see anything. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 14, 2014 Me: *walks in the […]
Tag: toddlers
Unicorn Bites 4/10/14
Her: I’m out of your league. Me: By about 20,000 leagues, I’d say. Her: Me: Because you’re a sea monster. Her: Me: READ A FUCKING BOOK — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2014 Me: Do […]
Unicorn Bites 4/4/14
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you been saved by Jesus? Me: Can he save me from this conversation? Him: *leaves* Me: Praise the Lord! — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2014 Miley Cyrus is an inspiration […]
Unicorn Bites 3/28/14
Things women do when they play hard to get: 1) block your phone number 2) move 3) marry someone else Don’t give up on her, bro. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2014 Me: Where […]
Unicorn Bites 3/24/14
Wife: Are you OK to drive? Me: I passed a breathalyzer. Wife: That’s your iPhone, and you licked it. Me: Are you a cop? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2014 3-year-old: What happened to […]
Unicorn Bites 3/22/14
Me: Do you want me to put your hair in a bun? 3-year-old: NO! My hair isn’t a hamburger. Touché. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2014 The former child star on “Two and a […]
Unicorn Bites 3/17/14
My 3-year-old daughter asked, “If I eat a leprechaun, will my poop turn green?” That mystery will keep me awake tonight. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2014 Oh, you wore green for St. Patrick’s […]
Unicorn Bites 3/16/14
3-year-old: Daddy, are you stronger than a gorilla? Me: Is there one here? 3: No. Me: Then yes. Absolutely yes. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2014 3-year-old: What happens if my brain falls out? […]
Unicorn Bites 3/14/14
I once convinced my toddler that my pregnant wife swallowed a seed and has a watermelon growing in her stomach. Childhood must be terrifying — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 14, 2014 3-year-old:*asks “Why?” for 99th […]
Unicorn Bites 3/13/14
Congrats on your boob job. Before you were unhappy and insecure. Now you’re unhappy and insecure with bigger boobs. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 13, 2014 How to succeed at life: 1) Ask yourself, “What […]