Posts Tagged ‘ toddlers ’

Unicorn Bites 4/14/14

April 14, 2014
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1-year-old: *walks in with a handful of Pringles* Me: You can’t have those for breakfast. 1: *hands me one* Me: I didn’t see anything. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 14, 2014 Me: *walks in the…

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Unicorn Bites 4/10/14

April 10, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 4/10/14

Her: I’m out of your league. Me: By about 20,000 leagues, I’d say. Her: Me: Because you’re a sea monster. Her: Me: READ A FUCKING BOOK — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2014 Me: Do…

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Unicorn Bites 4/4/14

April 4, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 4/4/14

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you been saved by Jesus? Me: Can he save me from this conversation? Him: *leaves* Me: Praise the Lord! — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2014 Miley Cyrus is an inspiration…

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Unicorn Bites 3/28/14

March 28, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 3/28/14

Things women do when they play hard to get: 1) block your phone number 2) move 3) marry someone else Don’t give up on her, bro. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2014 Me: Where…

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Unicorn Bites 3/24/14

March 24, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 3/24/14

Wife: Are you OK to drive? Me: I passed a breathalyzer. Wife: That’s your iPhone, and you licked it. Me: Are you a cop? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2014 3-year-old: What happened to…

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Unicorn Bites 3/22/14

March 22, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 3/22/14

Me: Do you want me to put your hair in a bun? 3-year-old: NO! My hair isn’t a hamburger. Touché. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2014 The former child star on “Two and a…

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Unicorn Bites 3/17/14

March 17, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 3/17/14

My 3-year-old daughter asked, “If I eat a leprechaun, will my poop turn green?” That mystery will keep me awake tonight. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2014 Oh, you wore green for St. Patrick’s…

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Unicorn Bites 3/16/14

March 16, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 3/16/14

3-year-old: Daddy, are you stronger than a gorilla? Me: Is there one here? 3: No. Me: Then yes. Absolutely yes. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2014 3-year-old: What happens if my brain falls out?…

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Unicorn Bites 3/14/14

March 14, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 3/14/14

I once convinced my toddler that my pregnant wife swallowed a seed and has a watermelon growing in her stomach. Childhood must be terrifying — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 14, 2014 3-year-old:*asks “Why?” for 99th…

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Unicorn Bites 3/13/14

March 13, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 3/13/14

Congrats on your boob job. Before you were unhappy and insecure. Now you’re unhappy and insecure with bigger boobs. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 13, 2014 How to succeed at life: 1) Ask yourself, “What…

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