Unicorn Bites 4/4/14

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you been saved by Jesus? Me: Can he save me from this conversation? Him: *leaves* Me: Praise the Lord! — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2014 Miley Cyrus is an inspiration […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/28/14

Things women do when they play hard to get: 1) block your phone number 2) move 3) marry someone else Don’t give up on her, bro. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2014 Me: Where […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/24/14

Wife: Are you OK to drive? Me: I passed a breathalyzer. Wife: That’s your iPhone, and you licked it. Me: Are you a cop? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2014 3-year-old: What happened to […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/14/14

I once convinced my toddler that my pregnant wife swallowed a seed and has a watermelon growing in her stomach. Childhood must be terrifying — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 14, 2014 3-year-old:*asks “Why?” for 99th […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/13/14

Congrats on your boob job. Before you were unhappy and insecure. Now you’re unhappy and insecure with bigger boobs. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 13, 2014 How to succeed at life: 1) Ask yourself, “What […]

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