Posts Tagged ‘ toddlers ’

Unicorn Bites 10/27/13

October 27, 2013
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I’ve never hung up garlic to ward off vampires, but I’ve been known to leave beef jerky lying around to scare away vegans. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2013 Me: “Did you hit your…

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Unicorn Bites 10/26/13

October 26, 2013
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Unicorn Bites 10/26/13

When an apple fell on Sir Isaac Newton’s head, I doubt he really said, “Aha, gravity.” What he really said was probably, “Fuck apples.” — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2013 Daycare lady: Your kid…

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Unicorn Bites 10/13/13

October 13, 2013
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Unicorn Bites 10/13/13

Me: "Brush your teeth." 3-year-old: *lowers her heart-shaped sunglasses* "I can’t, daddy. I’m too busy being cool." I know when I’ve lost. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2013 Using profanity doesn’t prove you have…

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Unicorn Bites 10/7/13

October 7, 2013
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Wife: You ate all the cookies! Me: I saved you from the calories. W: M: It’s like I dove on a grenade for you W: Me: I deserve a medal — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October…

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Unicorn Bites 10/4/13

October 4, 2013
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My 3-year-old said she likes tea parties, so I made her sleep in the yard. We don’t tolerate politics in this house. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2013   If a guy works his…

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Unicorn Bites 9/15/13

September 15, 2013
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Unicorn Bites 9/15/13

My 1 y.o. threw a fit in front of the fridge. I nudged her aside w/ my foot so I could get a beer. That concludes my parenting for the day. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn)…

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Unicorn Bites 9/8/13

September 8, 2013
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My metabolism gives me exactly two options when I eat: I can be hungry, or I can be fat, with nothing in between. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 8, 2013 “Magnum” is the name of…

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20 Ways Cats Are Like Toddlers

July 20, 2013
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1.  Watch you go to the bathroom
2.  Philosophy:  what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine, that which you may want in the future is mine.
3.  You do not own them.
4.  Must have dirty paws all over the keyboard as you type—or better yet, lay down on it.  Newspapers too.
5.  Choose not to come when called.
6.  If you want them to go anywhere, you must pick them up and carry them.
7.  Act like dead weight when #6 occurs.
8.  Climb up on kitchen counters and eat other people’s food.
9.  Look incredibly cute when asleep.
10.  Act surly and uncooperative when taking pictures of them.
11.  Have nine lives.
12.  Act totally unconcerned when caught creating a mess.
13.  Lap up water from the door of an open dishwasher
14.  Like big cardboard boxes.
15.  Have a fascination with toilet water.
16.  Don’t like wearing clothes.
17.  Like to ingest small items—preferably living, but may be recently dead.
18.  Obsessed with Chuck E. Cheese commercials
19.  Go bat-crazy when vacuum cleaner is turned on.
20.  Like to eat goldfish.

Cathy Cantu

I'm a mom of 3 teens living in TN. I write about the chaos of raising kids while teetering on the edge of insanity. I am proud that as a mother, I have reached the pinnacle of mediocrity, just sayin'.

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Doody Remorse

October 12, 2012
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You will never see a face transition from total joy to utter shame faster than when a laughing toddler craps his pants. TKKellyTK Kelly is a writer and comic from New York, a graduate of…

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China’s Labor Woes for the iPhone

October 11, 2012
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China’s iPhone factory’s struggling to fulfil orders. Well, that’s what happens when you extend the toddlers’ breaks to 3 minutes daily. Neal MayhemRadio idiot, b-o-o-b lover, disgust causerMore Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook

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