Unicorn Bites 10/27/13
I’ve never hung up garlic to ward off vampires, but I’ve been known to leave beef jerky lying around to scare away vegans. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2013 Me: “Did you […]
Tag: toddlers
Unicorn Bites 10/26/13
When an apple fell on Sir Isaac Newton’s head, I doubt he really said, “Aha, gravity.” What he really said was probably, “Fuck apples.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2013 Daycare lady: […]
Unicorn Bites 10/13/13
Me: "Brush your teeth." 3-year-old: *lowers her heart-shaped sunglasses* "I can’t, daddy. I’m too busy being cool." I know when I’ve lost. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2013 Using profanity doesn’t prove […]
Unicorn Bites 10/7/13
Wife: You ate all the cookies! Me: I saved you from the calories. W: M: It’s like I dove on a grenade for you W: Me: I deserve a medal — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn […]
Unicorn Bites 10/4/13
My 3-year-old said she likes tea parties, so I made her sleep in the yard. We don’t tolerate politics in this house. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2013 If a guy […]
Unicorn Bites 9/15/13
My 1 y.o. threw a fit in front of the fridge. I nudged her aside w/ my foot so I could get a beer. That concludes my parenting for the day. — James Breakwell, Exploding […]
Unicorn Bites 9/8/13
My metabolism gives me exactly two options when I eat: I can be hungry, or I can be fat, with nothing in between. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 8, 2013 “Magnum” is the […]
20 Ways Cats Are Like Toddlers
1. Watch you go to the bathroom 2. Philosophy: what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine, that which you may want in the future is mine. 3. You do not own them. 4. Must have dirty paws all […]