Unicorn Bites 5/11/14
3-year-old: MY FINGERS ARE TURNING INTO OLD PEOPLE! I left her in the bathtub too long. Childhood is terrifying. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 12, 2014 “I want a man who loves me for my […]
Tag: toddlers
Unicorn Bites 5/9/14
Wife: Want sex? Me: Yes. I don’t know what you’ve done with my wife, but never bring her back. And that’s how you blow a sure thing. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2014 My […]
Unicorn Bites 5/1/14
3-year-old: Why’d you shave your beard? Me: I’m a rugged, independent man who bucks trends & craves change. 3: Did Mom make you? Me: Yes. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 1, 2014 I’m not addicted […]
Unicorn Bites 4/27/14
Wife: Your beard is ugly. Shave it off. Me:*shaves it off* Wife: Never mind. The problem is your face. I get it, single people. I get it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 27, 2014 3-year-old: […]
Unicorn Bites 4/25/14
I saw my 1-year-old daughter walking around the house naked with my credit card. I hope that’s not a glimpse of the future. Somebody hold me — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 25, 2014 When I […]
Unicorn Bites 4/21/14
It’s weird how when a woman says, “It’s up to you, honey,” it sounds exactly like “Read my mind or die, motherfucker.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2014 The worst places of no return: […]
Unicorn Bites 4/19/14
Me: I won the donut-eating contest Boss: It wasn’t a contest. It was just a box of donuts. For everyone. And you ate them all Me: Loser — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2014 Wife: […]
Unicorn Bites 4/17/14
3-year-old daughter: Mommy, you’re smart. And pretty. And funny. Me: What about me? 3: Me: 3: Me: 3: You have a beard. I’ll take it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2014 3-year-old: Can I […]
Unicorn Bites 4/16/14
When a woman says, “I hope we can still be friends,” what she means is “If I see you on the sidewalk, I’ll hit you with my car.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 16, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites 4/15/14
3-year-old daughter: *watches me type* That’s the wrong letter Me: You can’t read 3: But I know when you’re wrong. She’s already a woman. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 15, 2014 Boss: Bear in mind- […]