Posts Tagged ‘ toddlers ’

Unicorn Bites 5/11/14

May 11, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 5/11/14

3-year-old: MY FINGERS ARE TURNING INTO OLD PEOPLE! I left her in the bathtub too long. Childhood is terrifying. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 12, 2014 “I want a man who loves me for my…

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Unicorn Bites 5/9/14

May 9, 2014
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Wife: Want sex? Me: Yes. I don’t know what you’ve done with my wife, but never bring her back. And that’s how you blow a sure thing. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2014 My…

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Unicorn Bites 5/1/14

May 1, 2014
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3-year-old: Why’d you shave your beard? Me: I’m a rugged, independent man who bucks trends & craves change. 3: Did Mom make you? Me: Yes. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 1, 2014 I’m not addicted…

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Unicorn Bites 4/27/14

April 27, 2014
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Wife: Your beard is ugly. Shave it off. Me:*shaves it off* Wife: Never mind. The problem is your face. I get it, single people. I get it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 27, 2014 3-year-old:…

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Unicorn Bites 4/25/14

April 25, 2014
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I saw my 1-year-old daughter walking around the house naked with my credit card. I hope that’s not a glimpse of the future. Somebody hold me — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 25, 2014 When I…

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Unicorn Bites 4/21/14

April 21, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 4/21/14

It’s weird how when a woman says, “It’s up to you, honey,” it sounds exactly like “Read my mind or die, motherfucker.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2014 The worst places of no return:…

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Unicorn Bites 4/19/14

April 19, 2014
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Me: I won the donut-eating contest Boss: It wasn’t a contest. It was just a box of donuts. For everyone. And you ate them all Me: Loser — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2014 Wife:…

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Unicorn Bites 4/17/14

April 17, 2014
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3-year-old daughter: Mommy, you’re smart. And pretty. And funny. Me: What about me? 3: Me: 3: Me: 3: You have a beard. I’ll take it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2014 3-year-old: Can I…

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Unicorn Bites 4/16/14

April 16, 2014
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When a woman says, “I hope we can still be friends,” what she means is “If I see you on the sidewalk, I’ll hit you with my car.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 16, 2014…

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Unicorn Bites 4/15/14

April 15, 2014
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3-year-old daughter: *watches me type* That’s the wrong letter Me: You can’t read 3: But I know when you’re wrong. She’s already a woman. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 15, 2014 Boss: Bear in mind-…

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