Unicorn Bites 10/6/13
Attractive people are seldom funny because life has been too easy for them. On an unrelated note, you’re hilarious. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2013 My wife pulled out a “Cosmo” survey […]
Tag: XplodingUnicorn
Unicorn Bites 10/5/13
The eulogy at my funeral will just be an awkward silence before someone finally says, “Well, the important thing is he’s dead. Let’s party.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 5, 2013 Dear motorcycle […]
Unicorn Bites 10/1/13
Me: “There’s something in my shoe.” My wife: “What is it?” Me: “My foot.” I’m as amazed as anyone that she occasionally has sex with me. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 1, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 9/28/13
Disney movies should have alternate endings that only play the 99th time a kid watches them. “Dad why did Cinderella get eaten by a raptor?” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2013 A […]
Unicorn Bites 9/20/13
I found an amazing cure for world hunger. It’s called “food.” When starving people eat it, it eliminates their starvation 100% of the time. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 20, 2013 Boss: Do […]
Unicorn Bites 9/16/13
“You look like you’ve lost weight. Are you on meth?” I’m bad at giving compliments. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 16, 2013 Miley Cyrus: “Only God can judge me.” God: “Deal.” *unleashes 97 […]
Unicorn Bites 9/10/13
When I tell my wife, “I’m going to take you out,” she never knows if I mean, “on a date” or “with a sniper rifle.” I keep her on her toes. — James Breakwell, Exploding […]
Unicorn Bites 9/8/13
My metabolism gives me exactly two options when I eat: I can be hungry, or I can be fat, with nothing in between. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 8, 2013 “Magnum” is the […]
HumorOutcasts Radio – Interview with James Breakwell
A great show with comedy writer James Breakwell. Known for his incredibly funny tweets about his family, kids and life in general, James is getting a lot of notice and even Reader’s Digest will be […]