Unicorn Bites 2/14/14
Wife: What did you get me for Valentine’s Day? Me: The gift of being married to me. You’re all invited to my funeral. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2014 After dying due to mechanical […]
Tag: XplodingUnicorn
Unicorn Bites 2/13/14
Wife: You never sweep me off my feet. Me: *sweeps her leg* It’s like she’s never seen “Karate Kid.” That’s her own fault. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 13, 2014 Wife: Would you give me […]
Unicorn Bites 12/17/13
It’s been 19 days and my boss still hasn’t noticed I changed his email status to “away” and his auto-reply message to “Can’t talk. Pooping.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 17, 2013 *moves […]
Unicorn Bites 11/21/13
Me: Let’s go to a photographer 3: I’m scared of tigers M: I said "photographer." He takes pictures 3: Don't let a tiger take my picture — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 11/15/13
My wife doesn’t think pregnancy makes her crazy. I agreed with her so she would stop screaming and put down the machete. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 15, 2013 When you say, “I […]
Unicorn Bites 10/31/13
Craigslist killers are old news. I only fear murderers on Pinterest. They’ll turn your skull into a decorative centerpiece. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 31, 2013 In my state, it’s legal to own […]
Unicorn Bites 10/27/13
I’ve never hung up garlic to ward off vampires, but I’ve been known to leave beef jerky lying around to scare away vegans. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2013 Me: “Did you […]
Unicorn Bites 10/18/13
Growing up, I wasn’t a fan of sit-ups or running, but I loved push-ups. My favorites were the orange Flintstones ones the Schwan man sold. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 18, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 10/13/13
Me: "Brush your teeth." 3-year-old: *lowers her heart-shaped sunglasses* "I can’t, daddy. I’m too busy being cool." I know when I’ve lost. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2013 Using profanity doesn’t prove […]
Unicorn Bites 10/12/13
Pedestrians might have the right of way according to the laws of man, but the laws of physics say my car wins every time. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2013 I’d never […]