Unicorn Bites 3/4/14
Wife: You don’t understand pregnancy Me: Sure I do. You whine for 10 months & then fire a kid from your baby cannon I’m basically a doctor — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 5, 2014 Girl, […]
Tag: XplodingUnicorn
Unicorn Bites 3/3/14
Me: *rotates spreadsheets 90 degrees* The tables have turned! Boss: Do you have any actual data in this presentation? Nope. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 3, 2014 South African Oscar Pistorius says he shot and […]
Unicorn Bites 3/2/14
Me: Ow! Why’d you hit me with your fairy wand? 3-year-old daughter: It’s a lightsaber! I’ve never gone from anger to pride so fast. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 2, 2014 3-year-old: *takes 1-year-old’s toy* […]
Unicorn Bites 2/28/14
1-year-old: *pees in the potty for the first time* Me: You’re a big girl now! 1: Yeah! Me: Rent is due on the 1st. Don’t be late. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2014 Me: […]
Unicorn Bites 2/27/14
Coworker: I’m offended Me: I’m sorry to hear that C: Thanks Me: No, I’m sorry to hear your voice at all. The fact you exist depresses me. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 27, 2014 There’s […]
Unicorn Bites 2/26/14
Me: How was daycare? 3-year-old daughter: My friend pooped his pants on purpose. I like him. Girls always go for the bad boys. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 26, 2014 Wife: It’s unrealistic how Pokemon […]
Unicorn Bites 2/24/14
Detective: I found the murder weapon. *holds up kindness* Rookie cop: You mean she killed him with… Detective: Yep Rookie: *throws up* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 24, 2014 3-year-old: Do you have a mat […]
Unicorn Bites 2/23/14
My 1-year-old daughter said, “awesome,” and then put up her hand for a high-five. Apparently I’m raising a bro. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 24, 2014 Bad news would be easier to take if doctors […]
Unicorn Bites 2/20/14
Sorry I didn’t hold the door for you but I was afraid you’d make awkward small talk. That’s why I locked the door & blocked it with a chair. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, […]
Unicorn Bites 2/15/14
If a female tennis star grunts, it’s OK, but if I do it, I’m “causing a scene at the air hockey table.” Now I’m banned from Chuck E. Cheese. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 15, […]