Unicorn Bites 3/17/14
My 3-year-old daughter asked, “If I eat a leprechaun, will my poop turn green?” That mystery will keep me awake tonight. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2014 Oh, you wore green for St. Patrick’s […]
Tag: XplodingUnicorn
Unicorn Bites 3/15/14
Don’t do drugs, kids. The extra demand drives up the price. Wait, I mean because drugs are bad for you or something. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 15, 2014 Not to brag, but I pooped […]
Unicorn Bites 3/13/14
Congrats on your boob job. Before you were unhappy and insecure. Now you’re unhappy and insecure with bigger boobs. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 13, 2014 How to succeed at life: 1) Ask yourself, “What […]
Unicorn Bites 3/12/14
Boss: Your outfit is inappropriate Me: It’s casual day B: You’re in stormtrooper armor M: Am I overdressed? I have a sleeveless version. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 12, 2014 I admire optimists. It takes […]
Unicorn Bites 3/11/14
Me:*turns on car radio* 3-year-old: Why do they keep saying “sexy.” M: It means “fun to hug” 3: Our dog is sexy! Now we drive in silence — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 11, 2014 I […]
Unicorn Bites 3/10/14
Wife: I said to dress our toddler in tights Me: I did W: Those are leggings I have no idea what I did wrong, so I apologized & took a nap — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) […]
Unicorn Bites 3/9/14
Things my 3-year-old said she wants to be today: 1) teacher 2) astronaut 3) Jedi 4) dinosaur Things she never wants to be: 1) quiet — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 9, 2014 My 1-year-old calls […]
Unicorn Bites 3/7/14
If your boyfriend says he’d catch a grenade for you, don’t be flattered. Clearly he’d rather die than stay in that relationship. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 7, 2014 Me: *splashes warm water on face* […]
Unicorn Bites 3/6/14
Me: Now do you believe me? Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted. Me: Then who made all that ice? Wife: *walks away* Me: WHO?! — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 6, 2014 Wife: How much do you […]
Unicorn Bites 3/5/14
Me: I fixed our daughter’s hair. Wife: That’s not a barrette. It’s a chip clip. Women are so picky. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 5, 2014 My 1-year-old wants to be a mermaid when she […]