Unicorn Bites 3/27/14
Me: Do you think Luke Skywalker is hot? Wife: No, he’s lukewarm. M: W: M: W: M: W: If you tweet that I said that, I’ll kill you. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2014 […]
Tag: XplodingUnicorn
Unicorn Bites 3/26/14
Fair warning: If you invite me to your kid’s birthday party, I will buy him a drum set and a puppy. Leave me out of this. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2014 Wife: Who […]
Unicorn Bites 3/25/14
Ladies, only move in with guys who own cats. They’ve already been trained to serve small, ungrateful creatures who think they own the place — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2014 Justin Bieber is awfully […]
Unicorn Bites 3/24/14
Wife: Are you OK to drive? Me: I passed a breathalyzer. Wife: That’s your iPhone, and you licked it. Me: Are you a cop? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2014 3-year-old: What happened to […]
Unicorn Bites 3/23/14
3-year-old daughter: I have 2 boyfriends Me: No, you have 2 friends who are boys 3: I’ll marry them Good luck doing that from the convent — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2014 I sent […]
Unicorn Bites 3/22/14
Me: Do you want me to put your hair in a bun? 3-year-old: NO! My hair isn’t a hamburger. Touché. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2014 The former child star on “Two and a […]
Unicorn Bites 3/21/14
“Grease” is so fake. I’ll go along with a 24-year-old John Travolta being in high school, but I refuse to believe he wanted to bang a woman. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 21, 2014 Me: […]
Unicorn Bites 3/20/14
3-year-old: Let me drive Me: You can’t reach the gas 3: I’ll use my hands M: How will you see? 3: With my butt M: *gives her the keys* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, […]
Unicorn Bites 3/19/14
Malaysia Airlines is going to be so embarrassed if it had all its planes this whole time and somebody just miscounted. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 19, 2014 Some people actually look up to the […]
Unicorn Bites 3/18/14
I drink in moderation, but I define “moderation” as “not quite enough to kill me.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 18, 2014 A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, […]