Tag: XplodingUnicorn

Unicorn Bites 4/7/14

James Breakwell

My 1-year-old’s favorite game on my phone is the one where she closes the game & sends gibberish text messages. Now my boss thinks I do meth — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2014 Wife: […]

Share this Post:

Unicorn Bites 4/6/14

James Breakwell

My 3-year-old daughter thinks I can turn invisible and catch her when she’s bad. I hope she still believes that when she’s dating. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 6, 2014 3-year-old daughter: *watches a chick-flick […]

Share this Post:

Unicorn Bites 4/5/14

James Breakwell

My 3-year-old asks me “Why?” 10,000 times a day, so, no, I don’t think I’d crack under torture. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2014 Me:*wakes up 3-year-old* 3: How old do I have to […]

Share this Post:

Unicorn Bites 4/4/14

James Breakwell

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you been saved by Jesus? Me: Can he save me from this conversation? Him: *leaves* Me: Praise the Lord! — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2014 Miley Cyrus is an inspiration […]

Share this Post:

Unicorn Bites 4/1/14

James Breakwell

I don’t recycle because if I set aside all my empty bottles and cans I’d have to admit I’m an alcoholic. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2014 I’ve been drinking coffee for so long […]

Share this Post:

Unicorn Bites 3/31/14

James Breakwell

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2014 Me: Call me Iron Man! Wife: Seriously? Every fucking time? Me: […]

Share this Post:

Unicorn Bites 3/28/14

James Breakwell

Things women do when they play hard to get: 1) block your phone number 2) move 3) marry someone else Don’t give up on her, bro. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2014 Me: Where […]

Share this Post: