Unicorn Bites 12/22/13
A whale can ejaculate 38 pints of semen. Next time you have bad day, remember it was some scuba diver’s job to collect and measure orca jizz — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 22, […]
Tag: husband
Unicorn Bites 12/14/13
My wife made me try out for our church’s nativity play. I volunteered to be Harry Potter. Guess who earned himself a quiet evening at home. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 14, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 12/13/13
Wife: A guy at work dropped acid Me: Did he listen to techno & babble about colors? W: No, he was treated for burns Chemists are so lame. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December […]
Unicorn Bites 12/12/13
Wife: “You’re basically just a penis with a drinking problem.” Me: *hugs her* We finally understand each other. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 12, 2013 My wife texted that she’s having a bad […]
Beware The So-Called Upgrades
Assume for a moment that you’re a contract killer and you’ve been hired to do a hit in Boston. After flying in from the West Coast, you’d need a car, right? You’re not gonna travel […]
Unicorn Bites 12/2/13
Of course it’s fine you got me Mega Blocks instead of Legos, Grandma. Like you said, they’re “the same thing.” *burns down her house* — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2013 3-year-old: Daddy, […]
Unicorn Bites 12/1/13
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn […]
Unicorn Bites 11/30/13
My 3-year-old daughter said, “Daddy, can you please go away now?” She’s already turning into her mother. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 30, 2013 How many fucks I give is directly proportional to […]
Unicorn Bites 11/24/13
Wife: "It’s colder than a witch’s tits." Me: "I wouldn’t know. You never let me touch them." And that’s when she ripped off my balls. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 24, 2013 My […]
Unicorn Bites 11/21/13
Me: Let’s go to a photographer 3: I’m scared of tigers M: I said "photographer." He takes pictures 3: Don't let a tiger take my picture — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2013 […]