Unicorn Bites 1/20/14
Cops traced the malware attack at Target to a 17-year-old hacker. In the meantime, I’m almost 30 and I still can’t attach files to an email.— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2014 Me: Let’s have […]
Tag: husband
Unicorn Bites 1/17/14
3-year-old: There’s a monster in my closet. Me: No, he’s in the pantry. 3: Me: He only eats kids. She’ll never open my Cheetos again. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 17, 2014 I don’t know […]
Unicorn Bites 1/16/14
When I picked up my 3-year-old daughter from daycare, a little boy said, “She’s my girlfriend.” It was cute, but I still maced him. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 16, 2014 My goal in life […]
Unicorn Bites 1/15/14
If you’re lactose intolerant, eat more beef. It won’t help your condition. It’ll just teach those cows a lesson for trying to kill you. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 15, 2014 Me: Where’s the remote? […]
Unicorn Bites 1/13/14
Him: Let’s settle this like men. Me: Agreed. *drinks beer and ignores the problem* — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 13, 2014 Wife: I’m making pulled pork. Me: Feel free to pull my pork. […]
Unicorn Bites 1/12/14
Wife: Did you eat all the Girl Scout cookies? Me: No W: The box is empty M: W: You have like 4 cookies in your mouth M: I want a lawyer — James Breakwell, Exploding […]
Unicorn Bites 1/9/14
Dennis Rodman: *goes to North Korea* *wins basketball game* *kills Kim Jong-un* N Koreans: You freed us! D: Nope *becomes new dictator* — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2014 I saw a woman […]
WHAT TO EXPECT- Man Afraid of Pregnant Belly for Good Reason
Maggie is expecting, but Greg wonders if her ballooning size is getting out of hand… or is it? Watch the comic pressure mount in this special world premiere of award-winning director Aaron Rudelson’s hilarious new short film, “What […]
Unicorn Bites 1/6/14
3-year-old: *spreads her arms* I love you this much. Me: You love me 3 feet? I’m 6’2”. You love half of me. 3: Me: I GAVE YOU LIFE — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January […]
Unicorn Bites 1/3/14
I hit my wife’s ass with a wooden spoon in the hope it would lead to sex, but it actually led to a spoon fight that I lost. Marriage is hard — James Breakwell, Exploding […]