Unicorn Bites 2/27/14
Coworker: I’m offended Me: I’m sorry to hear that C: Thanks Me: No, I’m sorry to hear your voice at all. The fact you exist depresses me. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 27, 2014 There’s […]
Tag: husband
Unicorn Bites 2/21/14
What my kids use as a trampoline: 1) the couch 2) the bed 3) me if I lie down What they don’t use as a trampoline: 1) our trampoline — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 21, […]
Unicorn Bites 2/20/14
Sorry I didn’t hold the door for you but I was afraid you’d make awkward small talk. That’s why I locked the door & blocked it with a chair. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, […]
Unicorn Bites 2/19/14
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2014 I don’t understand unhappy […]
Unicorn Bites 2/18/14
Wife: Do you want this piece of cheese? I dropped it Me: Are you seriously offering me food off the floor? W: M: W: M: W: M:*eats it* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 18, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites 2/16/14
Wife: *cleans like crazy* Me: Calm down. It’s my mom coming over, not the pope. *my mom walks in with the pope* Wife: Mother fucker… — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 16, 2014 My 1-year-old figured […]
Unicorn Bites 2/14/14
Wife: What did you get me for Valentine’s Day? Me: The gift of being married to me. You’re all invited to my funeral. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2014 After dying due to mechanical […]
Unicorn Bites 2/10/14
Wife: What did I ask you to do? Me: Love you forever? W: M: Kill a man to defend you honor? W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER I was getting there. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 10, […]
Unicorn Bites 1/29/14
I oppose deporting Justin Bieber for his crimes. This is America, after all. We have the death penalty. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 29, 2014 Florida is set to vote on whether to allow medical […]
Unicorn Bites 1/26/14
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men. Peter: *harpoons a guy* Jesus: Too literal, bro. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 26, 2014 Sure, random teenager, you have swag, but only if “swag” means […]