Tag: husband

Unicorn Bites 3/13/14

James Breakwell

Congrats on your boob job. Before you were unhappy and insecure. Now you’re unhappy and insecure with bigger boobs. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 13, 2014 How to succeed at life: 1) Ask yourself, “What […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/12/14

James Breakwell

Boss: Your outfit is inappropriate Me: It’s casual day B: You’re in stormtrooper armor M: Am I overdressed? I have a sleeveless version. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 12, 2014 I admire optimists. It takes […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/11/14

James Breakwell

Me:*turns on car radio* 3-year-old: Why do they keep saying “sexy.” M: It means “fun to hug” 3: Our dog is sexy! Now we drive in silence — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 11, 2014 I […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/9/14

James Breakwell

Things my 3-year-old said she wants to be today: 1) teacher 2) astronaut 3) Jedi 4) dinosaur Things she never wants to be: 1) quiet — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 9, 2014 My 1-year-old calls […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/8/14

James Breakwell

Me:*sings* How’d I sound? Wife: Like a cat in a wood chipper I’d be insulted but I’m more concerned w/ how she knows what that sounds like — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 8, 2014 An […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/7/14

James Breakwell

If your boyfriend says he’d catch a grenade for you, don’t be flattered. Clearly he’d rather die than stay in that relationship. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 7, 2014 Me: *splashes warm water on face* […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/1/14

James Breakwell

You’re officially an adult when you realize being honest and being polite are never the same thing. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 1, 2014 Wife: You didn’t notice my haircut Me: You didn’t notice mine […]

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