Unicorn Bites 4/17/14
3-year-old daughter: Mommy, you’re smart. And pretty. And funny. Me: What about me? 3: Me: 3: Me: 3: You have a beard. I’ll take it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2014 3-year-old: Can I […]
Tag: husband
Unicorn Bites 4/15/14
3-year-old daughter: *watches me type* That’s the wrong letter Me: You can’t read 3: But I know when you’re wrong. She’s already a woman. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 15, 2014 Boss: Bear in mind- […]
Unicorn Bites 4/7/14
My 1-year-old’s favorite game on my phone is the one where she closes the game & sends gibberish text messages. Now my boss thinks I do meth — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2014 Wife: […]
Unicorn Bites 3/30/14
3-year-old: Daddy Me: 3: Dad Me: 3: Dad! Me: 3: DAD! Me: WHAT?! 3: I love mommy the most. Thanks for the update. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 30, 2014 I don’t see why I […]
Unicorn Bites 3/28/14
Things women do when they play hard to get: 1) block your phone number 2) move 3) marry someone else Don’t give up on her, bro. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2014 Me: Where […]
Unicorn Bites 3/27/14
Me: Do you think Luke Skywalker is hot? Wife: No, he’s lukewarm. M: W: M: W: M: W: If you tweet that I said that, I’ll kill you. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites 3/26/14
Fair warning: If you invite me to your kid’s birthday party, I will buy him a drum set and a puppy. Leave me out of this. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2014 Wife: Who […]
Unicorn Bites 3/23/14
3-year-old daughter: I have 2 boyfriends Me: No, you have 2 friends who are boys 3: I’ll marry them Good luck doing that from the convent — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2014 I sent […]
Unicorn Bites 3/20/14
3-year-old: Let me drive Me: You can’t reach the gas 3: I’ll use my hands M: How will you see? 3: With my butt M: *gives her the keys* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, […]
Unicorn Bites 3/16/14
3-year-old: Daddy, are you stronger than a gorilla? Me: Is there one here? 3: No. Me: Then yes. Absolutely yes. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2014 3-year-old: What happens if my brain falls out? […]