The Place to Take a Humor Break
Productivity, meet Netflix. Netflix, meet- Netflix, put down that knife! Run, productivity! Run! Netflix, you killed it! Why? Oh why? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 11, 2014 Doctor: Questions? Me: How do I know if […]
Me: Go to bed 4-year-old: But I have questions! Me: You’re stalling 4: I need to know! Me: What? 4: What if I meet a talking doughnut? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2014 Me: […]
Wife: Can you kill this spider? Me: Sure. As soon as I get out of the bathroom. *climbs out window* *leaves the country* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2014 “I bet it would be […]
Friend: Are you coming to my mom’s funeral? Me: Is she gonna make her famous casserole? Friend: She’s dead. Me: Then I’ll pass. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 29, 2014 My wife’s favorite filter is […]
My 4-year-old threw a temper tantrum because her next birthday isn’t until next year. Her life is pretty hard sometimes. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 18, 2014 My 4-year-old said “Wow Daddy you’re Awesome!” So […]
Dear Lord, please refrain from judging me. My wife has begged me to buy a new mattress. With that being said, if there is any way you could get me in for this early bird […]
Wife: Hey, baby, want to get dirty? Me: Yes! *spends two hours planting flowers* Marriage is a trap. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 12, 2014 When my wife asks me something and I wasn’t listening, […]
Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz” taught kids it’s OK to kill two women as long as they’re ugly and no one likes them. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 7, 2014 I ate a whole […]
Me: Can I have some of your candy? 3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer? Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: Deal. Wife: NO! — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 23, 2014 Teenager: How fast were […]
Boss: What are you doing? Me: Sitting on a potato. Him: Me: Him: Me: Him: It won’t hatch into vodka. Me: YOU DON’T KNOW THAT — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2014 Wife: Put away […]