Unicorn Bites 7/26/14
Wife: Have you been drinking? Me: Wait, you haven’t been? Apparently we have very different ideas about how to chaperon this field trip. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 26, 2014 I wanted to get a […]
Tag: husband
Unicorn Bites 7/25/14
Me: Work was AWFUL. Wife: All the kids pooped through their clothes at the same time. I put them in the tub & cried Me:*goes back to work* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 25, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites 7/22/14
Wife: I need to get something off my chest. Me:*reaches for her bra* Wife: Are you really that dumb? Me: Wife: Me:*reaches for her bra* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2014 Based on what people think of Marilyn Monroe […]
Unicorn Bites 7/9/14
Boss: How long were you in the bathroom? Me: Not long. Boss: The motion-sensing lights shut off on you. Me: I noticed that when I woke up — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2014 What […]
Unicorn Bites 7/8/14
Me: Ready for a bath? 4-year-old: Only if you promise I won’t get wet. Me: 4: Me: I can’t do that. 4: Why don’t you love me? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 8, 2014 *picture […]
Unicorn Bites 7/2/14
Me: You look nice today Wife: So what do I look like other days? Me: Also nice. Wife: So today I only look normal? Me: *flees to Mexico* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 3, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites 6/26/14
Me: I’m vacuuming. I’ll close the door so I don’t bother you. Wife: Thanks. Me: *turns on vacuum* *takes a nap* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 26, 2014 4-year-old: How do birds fly? Me: Their […]
Unicorn Bites 6/22/14
[in church] Me: Stop crying or I’ll take you outside. 2-year-old: *keeps crying* Me: *takes her outside* *gives her $1* *opens Twitter* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2014 4-year-old: I’m fighting sharks in space! […]
Unicorn Bites 6/21/14
Wife: Am I your best friend? Me: I don’t think my best friend should be someone I’m scared of. Wife: *glares* I stand corrected. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2014 Sorry my phone autocorrected […]
Unicorn Bites 6/19/14
Relationship status: My wife asked me what my favorite color was and then told me I was wrong. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 20, 2014 I always hate the boring few weeks between when Kim […]