Unicorn Bites 10/9/13
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October […]
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October […]
Me: “Don’t pick that scab. It'll scar, & scars never go away.” My 3-year-old: “Sometimes they do. Simba knocked Scar off a cliff.” Touché. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 8, 2013 I could […]
Wife: You ate all the cookies! Me: I saved you from the calories. W: M: It’s like I dove on a grenade for you W: Me: I deserve a medal — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn […]
Attractive people are seldom funny because life has been too easy for them. On an unrelated note, you’re hilarious. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2013 My wife pulled out a “Cosmo” survey […]
The eulogy at my funeral will just be an awkward silence before someone finally says, “Well, the important thing is he’s dead. Let’s party.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 5, 2013 Dear motorcycle […]
My 3-year-old said she likes tea parties, so I made her sleep in the yard. We don’t tolerate politics in this house. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2013 If a guy […]
The guy who fixed the crack in my windshield was named Chip. Now there’s a man who achieved exactly what was expected of him in life. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2013 […]
Me: “There’s something in my shoe.” My wife: “What is it?” Me: “My foot.” I’m as amazed as anyone that she occasionally has sex with me. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 1, 2013 […]
Whatever, rich people with wine cellars. I don't need any fancy shelves because I store my wine in my stomach like an adult. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 30, 2013 My wife: “Get […]
I envy kids in highchairs. I want to eat something so intensely I have to be strapped in. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 29, 2013 Police shouldn’t use dogs. There are other trainable, […]