The Place to Take a Humor Break
Disney movies should have alternate endings that only play the 99th time a kid watches them. “Dad why did Cinderella get eaten by a raptor?” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2013 A […]
I’m surprised no one has made an iPad app for the 10 Commandments yet. It seems natural they should be on tablets. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 26, 2013 I don’t worry about […]
“Beaver” is a terrible name for a vagina. I don’t want to have sex with something that destroys wood. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 25, 2013 I don’t know why women are obsessed […]
My 3-year-old thinks kindergarten is pronounced “ninja garden,” in case you wondered why she’s eager to be old enough to go to school. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 24, 2013 I playfully threw […]
Friend: “I got a promotion & I’m having a baby” Me:“I put a bottle opener on my keychain. I guess there’s a lot going on in both our lives” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) […]
My 1-year-old sat on my lap and said, “Bye.” I think she’s planning to kill me. The worst part is she’ll still be adorable while she does it — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September […]
Marriage: because it’s too much work to ruin your life all by yourself — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 21, 2013 I never run from my problems. I drive away from them because fuck […]
I found an amazing cure for world hunger. It’s called “food.” When starving people eat it, it eliminates their starvation 100% of the time. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 20, 2013 Boss: Do […]
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 19, 2013 Coworker: “I’m a Vikings […]
If the "Goosebumps" books really wanted to scare kids they’d tell the story of a boy who grows up & dies a little each day at a job he hates — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn […]