Unicorn Bites 4/18/14
Boss: What are you doing? Me: Sitting on a potato. Him: Me: Him: Me: Him: It won’t hatch into vodka. Me: YOU DON’T KNOW THAT — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2014 Wife: Put away […]
Boss: What are you doing? Me: Sitting on a potato. Him: Me: Him: Me: Him: It won’t hatch into vodka. Me: YOU DON’T KNOW THAT — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2014 Wife: Put away […]
My 3-year-old saw a picture of an orangutan and asked if it was a wookie. She lives in a world where Chewbacca is real. Childhood is awesome — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 2, 2014 Women […]
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2014 Me: I’m one card away from […]
Bacon: because flavor is more important than living past 40 — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 10, 2013 “I scream! You scream! We all scream for ice cream!” But what you’ll get is a […]
Dear beer, Thanks for last night. I had such an amazing time with you and your friends. You were incredible. I’m sorry I initially resisted the urge to see you, but deep down I knew […]
My 3-year-old thinks kindergarten is pronounced “ninja garden,” in case you wondered why she’s eager to be old enough to go to school. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 24, 2013 I playfully threw […]
Vodka has always made me tipsy especially if it is mixed with a lot of tonic. However, if it is mixed with Triple Sec and cranberry juice and transforms itself into a “Cosmopolitan”, it makes […]
Some mothers are complaining to the government that chemicals in the pasteurization process add a secret ingredient to orange juice that is not good for their kids and they are petitioning for this to be […]