Unicorn Bites #514
How to grow a ghost chili: 1) Grow a regular chili. 2) Murder it. This is why people unfollow me. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 29, 2014 My mom: Your brother got another promotion. Me: […]
Tag: James Breakwell
Unicorn Bites #512
My recent Google searches: How to get glue out of a kid’s eyebrows How to remove glue without removing eyebrows How to replace eyebrows — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2014 You call it “lazy.” […]
Unicorn Bites #511
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door? Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific? 4: No reason. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2014 4-year-old: Give me […]
Unicorn Bites #508
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial. Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2014 Navy recruiter: Any experience at […]
Unicorn Bites 9/20/14
I don’t care what the vet says. If your dog weighs less than 10 pounds, it’s a cat. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 20, 2014 4-year-old daughter: Why don’t you make milk for the baby? […]
Unicorn Bites 9/18/14
I don’t need some metrosexual fashion magazine to tell me how to dress. I’m a real man. My wife dresses me. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 18, 2014 Telemarketer: Am I speaking to the man […]
Unicorn Bites 9/15/14
My 4-year-old and 2-year-old just clinked their plastic cereal bowls together and said, “Cheers.” My kids are classy as fuck. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 15, 2014 Me: Clean your room. 4-year-old: Me: What’s wrong […]
Unicorn Bites 9/13/14
4-year-old: These taste funny. Me: They’re not candy. They’re decorative soaps. 4: Me: STOP EATING THEM. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 13, 2014 Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle 4-year-old: Give me […]
Unicorn Bites 9/12/14
4-year-old daughter: These shoes are slippery. They make me fall. Me: Then why do you wear them? 4: They’re pretty. She’s already a woman — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 12, 2014 Me: I told you […]
Unicorn Bites 9/10/14
4-year-old: I baked you cookies. Me: Really? Awesome. 4: *hands me imaginary cookies* Me: Kids are an unending source of disappointment. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2014 Wife: Do you know what the best […]