Unicorn Bites 9/9/14
What was the point in making your car louder, bro? Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 9, 2014 Not […]
Tag: James Breakwell
Unicorn Bites 9/8/14
My mom: Stop making that stupid face. Me: This is my regular face. Mom: Me: Mom: Stop sitting where people can see you. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 8, 2014 4-year-old: The baby woke up […]
Unicorn Bites 9/7/14
I took my 4-year-old to a museum. Her favorite part was the sliding door at the entrance. Next time I’ll just take her to the grocery store. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2014 4-year-old: […]
Unicorn Bites 9/6/14
Some days I’m blown away by how much my 4-year-old knows about the world. Other days I have to explain why she shouldn’t lick random people — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 6, 2014 4-year-old: Will […]
Unicorn Bites 9/5/14
4-year-old: Can we trade in the baby for a dolphin? Me: No. 4: But a dolphin can do way more tricks! She makes a valid point. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 5, 2014 Me: Did […]
Unicorn Bites 9/4/14
4-year-old: Why can’t I watch “The Walking Dead?” Me: Because you’re still afraid of the vacuum. 4: *whispers* Can vacuums be zombies? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 4, 2014 4-year-old: How old are you? Me: […]
Unicorn Bites 9/3/14
4-year-old: I said I wanted ice in my cup! Me: I put it in there an hour ago. It melted. 4: Things don’t just disappear! My sanity did. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites 9/2/14
A woman at work said she believes in biblical marriage, so I bought her from her father for nine goats. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 2, 2014 My 4-year-old asked what drunk means. I said […]
Unicorn Bites 9/1/14
A bikini model whose job is to be 99% naked had nude pics leaked? Whatever. I didn’t know for sure she had nipples, but I kind of assumed. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 1, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites 8/27/14
My 2-year-old ran full-speed into a closed door, so, yes, I’m sure she’s mine. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2014 Me: *sits up in bed* What if Smokey Bear is the one who’s been […]