Unicorn Bites #554
Wife: I heard that song you made up to teach our 4-year-old our phone number. Me: Pretty clever, huh? Wife: It’s the wrong number. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 9, 2014 Therapist: This group session […]
Author: James Breakwell
I'm a multi-published humorist featured in "Reader's Digest." Read my articles at http://explodingunicorn.com. Check out my webcomic at http://JamesBreakwell.com.
Unicorn Bites #553
4-year-old: Can I have a drink of your Pepsi? Me: This is Coke. 4: Same thing. Me: You’re adopted. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 7, 2014 Me: No more candy. You have to eat some […]
Unicorn Bites #552
Me: Anything can happen now. Nobody knows where the rabbit hole goes. 4-year-old: I bet it goes to a rabbit. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 6, 2014 4-year-old: Do Muppets go to heaven? Me: That’s […]
Unicorn Bites #551
2-year-old: I don’t want to eat my pork chop! Me: Name one thing that’s wrong with it. 2-year-old: It’s not pizza. Touché. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2014 500,000 teens followed a random Target […]
Unicorn Bites #550
4-year-old: Why are you always on Twitter? Me: I’m talking to my friends. 4-year-old: It’s OK. I have imaginary friends, too. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2014 Me: How many pieces of candy did […]
Unicorn Bites #549
4-year-old: Is Santa real? Me: No. 4: The Easter bunny? Me: No. 4: Spider-Man? Me: You better hope Spider-Man didn’t hear that. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 3, 2014 Me: When you’re older, what do […]
Unicorn Bites #548
Wife: You dripped nacho cheese on the baby’s forehead. Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: *licks the baby’s forehead* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 2, 2014 4-year-old: *spills milk* *cries* Me: There’s a saying about this exact situation. 4: What is it? Me: Don’t spill […]
Unicorn Bites #547
A group of lions is called a pride. A group of crows is called a murder. A group of NASCAR fans is called a trailer park. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 1, 2014 We’d have […]
Unicorn Bites #546
If you watch “The Incredible Hulk” backwards, it’s the story of an angry bodybuilder who calms the fuck down and gets his life together. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 31, 2014 My kids challenged me […]
Unicorn Bites #545
Instead of Halloween, our Christian daycare has “pajama day.” They’re about to find out my 4-year-old sleeps in a bloody zombie costume. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2014 Me: That shirt makes you look […]