Unicorn Bites 10/29/13
When I see the frazzled parents of a newborn, I tell them, "Don't worry. It gets easier." Then I laugh maniacally for 20 minutes. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 29, 2013 Me: "That’s […]
Tag: wife
Unicorn Bites 10/25/13
My wife wants me to be prepared for emergencies, but then she gets mad when I stock up on ammo to kill zombies. Make up your mind, woman. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October […]
Unicorn Bites 10/19/13
Don’t kid yourself. You don’t have multiple personalities. As far as I can tell, you don’t even have one. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 19, 2013 Autocorrect changed “honor” to “honour” because apparently […]
Unicorn Bites 10/8/13
Me: “Don’t pick that scab. It'll scar, & scars never go away.” My 3-year-old: “Sometimes they do. Simba knocked Scar off a cliff.” Touché. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 8, 2013 I could […]
Unicorn Bites 10/7/13
Wife: You ate all the cookies! Me: I saved you from the calories. W: M: It’s like I dove on a grenade for you W: Me: I deserve a medal — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn […]
Unicorn Bites 10/6/13
Attractive people are seldom funny because life has been too easy for them. On an unrelated note, you’re hilarious. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2013 My wife pulled out a “Cosmo” survey […]
Unicorn Bites 10/4/13
My 3-year-old said she likes tea parties, so I made her sleep in the yard. We don’t tolerate politics in this house. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2013 If a guy […]
Unicorn Bites 10/2/13
The guy who fixed the crack in my windshield was named Chip. Now there’s a man who achieved exactly what was expected of him in life. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 10/1/13
Me: “There’s something in my shoe.” My wife: “What is it?” Me: “My foot.” I’m as amazed as anyone that she occasionally has sex with me. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 1, 2013 […]