Unicorn Bites 9/30/13
Whatever, rich people with wine cellars. I don't need any fancy shelves because I store my wine in my stomach like an adult. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 30, 2013 My wife: “Get […]
Tag: wife
Unicorn Bites 9/29/13
I envy kids in highchairs. I want to eat something so intensely I have to be strapped in. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 29, 2013 Police shouldn’t use dogs. There are other trainable, […]
Unicorn Bites 9/24/13
My 3-year-old thinks kindergarten is pronounced “ninja garden,” in case you wondered why she’s eager to be old enough to go to school. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 24, 2013 I playfully threw […]
Unicorn Bites 9/22/13
My 1-year-old sat on my lap and said, “Bye.” I think she’s planning to kill me. The worst part is she’ll still be adorable while she does it — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September […]
Unicorn Bites 9/9/13
In my 3-year-old’s dollhouse, a naked woman, a naked boy, and a tiger are all in the same bed. I assume alcohol was involved. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 9, 2013 My wife:“Put […]
Unicorn Bites 9/6/13
My wife accused me of doing nothing all day. It’s like she thinks all of these empty beer cans drank themselves. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 6, 2013 You’re the most likely to […]
Unicorn Bites 9/5/13
My wife: “Let’s get drunk and screw.” Me: “OK.” *gets out beer* *gets out screws* *builds deck* — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 5, 2013 Don’t mess with me. I have a black belt. […]
Unicorn Bites 8/29/13
I didn’t say I want “presents.” I said I want “peasants.” I’m looking to start a feudal state, not use a gift card. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 29, 2013 Nice try, spam […]
Unicorn Bites 8/27/13
Me: “Sex tonight?” My wife: “I guess.” I’m pumped. That’s the most enthusiastic about it she’s been in years. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2013 I liked you, but then I realized […]
Unicorn Bites 8/26/13
Raising a 1-year-old is like dealing with a raccoon. I have to put the food out of reach and secure all trashcans. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 26, 2013 The best time to […]