Unicorn Bites 5/2/14
My wife’s disappointed sighs are so loud I can hear them through this text message. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 2, 2014 3-year-old daughter: Why do you sound like a boy? Me: Because I am […]
Well this has never happened before. The entire collective is in agreement. Bill Y, Jill Y, our imaginary son and daughter, Thirsty Dave, Scurvy Jane and Sugartastic Daddy John all have the same favorite song. […]
3-year-old: Why’d you shave your beard? Me: I’m a rugged, independent man who bucks trends & craves change. 3: Did Mom make you? Me: Yes. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 1, 2014 I’m not addicted […]
I’m a Pisces. There are twelve signs of the Zodiac, so you have an 11-1 chance of escaping being born under Pisces. I am one of the 1 in 12 people who got stuck. Being […]
I don’t know why everyone complains about fake people. My imaginary friends have never asked me to give them money or help them move. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 30, 2014 3-year-old daughter: Can I […]
3-year-old: Can I play outside? Me: Do I have to go out there with you? 3: Yeah! Me: Just watch the outdoors on TV. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 29, 2014 I wish the zombie […]
The other day I ran to Target for a few essentials. I wandered into the section with the bathroom tissue because it was next to the end cap that had a display of wines that were […]
My 1-year-old thinks her name is “Go watch TV,” so, yes, I’d say I’m a good parent. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 28, 2014 Me: That milk came from a cow. 3-year-old: What animal did […]