Unicorn Bites #517
4-year-old: What happens when you die? Me: You go to heaven. 4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2014 4-year-old: Dad? Me: What? I’m […]
4-year-old: What happens when you die? Me: You go to heaven. 4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2014 4-year-old: Dad? Me: What? I’m […]
My recent Google searches: How to get glue out of a kid’s eyebrows How to remove glue without removing eyebrows How to replace eyebrows — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2014 You call it “lazy.” […]
I hear my husband running down the hall to where I stood in the bathroom putting in my contacts. “What is this?” He’s holding out his hand. I look down at it, thinking it’s a […]
I don’t care what the vet says. If your dog weighs less than 10 pounds, it’s a cat. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 20, 2014 4-year-old daughter: Why don’t you make milk for the baby? […]
I don’t need some metrosexual fashion magazine to tell me how to dress. I’m a real man. My wife dresses me. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 18, 2014 Telemarketer: Am I speaking to the man […]
4-year-old: I baked you cookies. Me: Really? Awesome. 4: *hands me imaginary cookies* Me: Kids are an unending source of disappointment. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2014 Wife: Do you know what the best […]
I took my 4-year-old to a museum. Her favorite part was the sliding door at the entrance. Next time I’ll just take her to the grocery store. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2014 4-year-old: […]
Some days I’m blown away by how much my 4-year-old knows about the world. Other days I have to explain why she shouldn’t lick random people — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 6, 2014 4-year-old: Will […]
4-year-old: I said I wanted ice in my cup! Me: I put it in there an hour ago. It melted. 4: Things don’t just disappear! My sanity did. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2014 […]
My 2-year-old ran full-speed into a closed door, so, yes, I’m sure she’s mine. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2014 Me: *sits up in bed* What if Smokey Bear is the one who’s been […]