Unicorn Bites 8/15/14
Me: In conclusion dinosaur tails prevented doggy style so T. rex had to do it missionary Him: Sir, place your order or leave the drive thru — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 15, 2014 Me: If […]
Tag: wife
Unicorn Bites 8/13/14
Sure, we have chemistry, honey. Your acidic personality dissolves my will to live. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2014 4-year-old: *slaps my face* Me: Ow! What was that for?! 4: It’s my secret handshake. […]
Unicorn Bites 8/12/14
My recent Google searches: calories burned sitting calories burned chewing gum calories burned vigorously chewing gum pie recipes — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2014 2-year-old: *mumbles* Me: What did she say? 4-year-old: She said […]
Unicorn Bites 8/9/14
4-year-old daughter: Dad, can I put nail polish on your fingers? Me: Do I look like a girl to you? 4: Me: 4: I’ll start with your pinkie — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 9, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites 7/27/14
4-year-old: There’s a green monster behind you! Me: I don’t see it 4: He’s invisible Me: How do you know he’s green? 4: I’m a scientist. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 27, 2014 4-year-old: Can […]
Unicorn Bites 7/26/14
Wife: Have you been drinking? Me: Wait, you haven’t been? Apparently we have very different ideas about how to chaperon this field trip. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 26, 2014 I wanted to get a […]
Unicorn Bites 7/25/14
Me: Work was AWFUL. Wife: All the kids pooped through their clothes at the same time. I put them in the tub & cried Me:*goes back to work* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 25, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites 7/22/14
Wife: I need to get something off my chest. Me:*reaches for her bra* Wife: Are you really that dumb? Me: Wife: Me:*reaches for her bra* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2014 Based on what people think of Marilyn Monroe […]
Unicorn Bites 7/9/14
Boss: How long were you in the bathroom? Me: Not long. Boss: The motion-sensing lights shut off on you. Me: I noticed that when I woke up — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2014 What […]
Unicorn Bites 7/8/14
Me: Ready for a bath? 4-year-old: Only if you promise I won’t get wet. Me: 4: Me: I can’t do that. 4: Why don’t you love me? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 8, 2014 *picture […]