Unicorn Bites 7/2/14
Me: You look nice today Wife: So what do I look like other days? Me: Also nice. Wife: So today I only look normal? Me: *flees to Mexico* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 3, 2014 […]
Tag: wife
Unicorn Bites 6/26/14
Me: I’m vacuuming. I’ll close the door so I don’t bother you. Wife: Thanks. Me: *turns on vacuum* *takes a nap* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 26, 2014 4-year-old: How do birds fly? Me: Their […]
Unicorn Bites 6/22/14
[in church] Me: Stop crying or I’ll take you outside. 2-year-old: *keeps crying* Me: *takes her outside* *gives her $1* *opens Twitter* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2014 4-year-old: I’m fighting sharks in space! […]
Unicorn Bites 6/21/14
Wife: Am I your best friend? Me: I don’t think my best friend should be someone I’m scared of. Wife: *glares* I stand corrected. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2014 Sorry my phone autocorrected […]
Unicorn Bites 6/19/14
Relationship status: My wife asked me what my favorite color was and then told me I was wrong. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 20, 2014 I always hate the boring few weeks between when Kim […]
Unicorn Bites 6/11/14
Productivity, meet Netflix. Netflix, meet- Netflix, put down that knife! Run, productivity! Run! Netflix, you killed it! Why? Oh why? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 11, 2014 Doctor: Questions? Me: How do I know if […]
Unicorn Bites 6/3/14
I ate an entire cake, but it was vanilla instead of chocolate so I’m counting it as a diet food. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2014 Me: Like my parachute pants? Wife: I […]
Unicorn Bites 6/2/14
Me: Go to bed 4-year-old: But I have questions! Me: You’re stalling 4: I need to know! Me: What? 4: What if I meet a talking doughnut? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2014 Me: […]
Unicorn Bites 6/1/14
Wife: Can you kill this spider? Me: Sure. As soon as I get out of the bathroom. *climbs out window* *leaves the country* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2014 “I bet it would be […]
Unicorn Bites 5/29/14
Friend: Are you coming to my mom’s funeral? Me: Is she gonna make her famous casserole? Friend: She’s dead. Me: Then I’ll pass. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 29, 2014 My wife’s favorite filter is […]