Unicorn Bites 12/23/13
Me: What do you want for Christmas? My brother: Pants. I don’t care what kind. Me: *buys him assless chaps* — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 23, 2013 Me: If I eat another bite, […]
Tag: xploding unicorn
Unicorn Bites 12/22/13
A whale can ejaculate 38 pints of semen. Next time you have bad day, remember it was some scuba diver’s job to collect and measure orca jizz — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 22, […]
Unicorn Bites 12/20/13
It turns out when my 1-year-old brushes her teeth she moves her head, not the brush. That explains why she gets dizzy and falls over. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 20, 2013 I […]
Unicorn Bites 12/19/13
Alcohol kills germs, so I drink it to sanitize my organs. It’s basically a health food. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 19, 2013 Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set […]
Unicorn Bites 12/18/13
Whenever I see a sign that says, “300 days without an accident,” I don’t feel safe. I just wonder what the hell happened 300 days ago. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 18, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 12/15/13
My daughter got a book about eating healthy from a McDonald’s Happy Meal. That’s kind of like getting a lecture on being nice from Al-Qaeda. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 15, 2013 My […]
Unicorn Bites 12/14/13
My wife made me try out for our church’s nativity play. I volunteered to be Harry Potter. Guess who earned himself a quiet evening at home. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 14, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 12/13/13
Wife: A guy at work dropped acid Me: Did he listen to techno & babble about colors? W: No, he was treated for burns Chemists are so lame. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December […]
Unicorn Bites 12/12/13
Wife: “You’re basically just a penis with a drinking problem.” Me: *hugs her* We finally understand each other. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 12, 2013 My wife texted that she’s having a bad […]
Unicorn Bites 12/11/13
Me: Don’t say "fart." 3-year-old: Is it a bad word? Me: You’re fucking right it is. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2013 Surgeons can now replace damaged human heart values with pig […]