The Place to Take a Humor Break
3-year-old: *hands me a plastic stegosaurus* "Here’s an extra one. Just in case." I don’t know what’s about to happen, but I’m terrified. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 7, 2014 3-year-old: Daddy, I […]
3-year-old: *spreads her arms* I love you this much. Me: You love me 3 feet? I’m 6’2”. You love half of me. 3: Me: I GAVE YOU LIFE — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January […]
There are no awkward silences in my marriage. My wife fills them all with words. So. Many. Words. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2014 Wife: Am I emotional when I’m pregnant? Me: […]
I hit my wife’s ass with a wooden spoon in the hope it would lead to sex, but it actually led to a spoon fight that I lost. Marriage is hard — James Breakwell, Exploding […]
Sorry I hit your wife in the face with a Frisbee. In my defense, she looks exactly like a golden retriever. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 1, 2014 New Year’s Eve wasn’t as […]
Women are hard to read. The same polite smile can mean “I’m happy” or “I’m going to hit you with my car.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 29, 2013 My wife and kids […]
Me: I’m a bad boy. Wife: If you mean you’re bad at being a boy, then yes. Me: Wife: What? You have more estrogen than a yogurt commercial — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December […]
Me: Where’s Ken? 3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him. I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 26, 2013 […]
I overheard my 3-year-old say, “I love your mustache.” When we got home I gave her ice cream because she said it to my mother-in-law. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 25, 2013 Divorce […]