Unicorn Bites 1/21/14
Me: It’s cold. You need a hat. 3-year-old daughter: But it’ll mess up my hair. She put fashion ahead of comfort. She’s officially a woman. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2014 When my wife […]
Tag: xploding unicorn
Unicorn Bites 1/20/14
Cops traced the malware attack at Target to a 17-year-old hacker. In the meantime, I’m almost 30 and I still can’t attach files to an email.— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2014 Me: Let’s have […]
Unicorn Bites 1/19/14
I bought my kids an inflatable punching bag. My 1-year-old daughter stabbed it with a pen. She learned to fight on the streets. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 19, 2014 Not to brag, but I […]
Unicorn Bites 1/18/14
3-year-old: Am I a grown-up yet? Me: Are you excited to get out of bed in the morning? 3: Yeah! Me: Then you aren’t even close. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 18, 2014 I delete […]
Unicorn Bites 1/16/14
When I picked up my 3-year-old daughter from daycare, a little boy said, “She’s my girlfriend.” It was cute, but I still maced him. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 16, 2014 My goal in life […]
Unicorn Bites 1/15/14
If you’re lactose intolerant, eat more beef. It won’t help your condition. It’ll just teach those cows a lesson for trying to kill you. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 15, 2014 Me: Where’s the remote? […]
Unicorn Bites 1/14/14
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2014 Me: I’m one card away from […]
Unicorn Bites 1/11/14
Me: What’s the most recent picture you have of me? My mom: *pulls out an ultrasound pic* Me: That’s it? Mom: You weren’t a pretty child. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 11, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites 1/9/14
Dennis Rodman: *goes to North Korea* *wins basketball game* *kills Kim Jong-un* N Koreans: You freed us! D: Nope *becomes new dictator* — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2014 I saw a woman […]
Unicorn Bites 1/8/14
How to pick up chicks: 1) Go to the bar. 2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes. 3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, […]