Unicorn Bites 2/16/14
Wife: *cleans like crazy* Me: Calm down. It’s my mom coming over, not the pope. *my mom walks in with the pope* Wife: Mother fucker… — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 16, 2014 My 1-year-old figured […]
Tag: daughters
Unicorn Bites 2/14/14
Wife: What did you get me for Valentine’s Day? Me: The gift of being married to me. You’re all invited to my funeral. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2014 After dying due to mechanical […]
Unicorn Bites 1/20/14
Cops traced the malware attack at Target to a 17-year-old hacker. In the meantime, I’m almost 30 and I still can’t attach files to an email.— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2014 Me: Let’s have […]
Unicorn Bites 1/16/14
When I picked up my 3-year-old daughter from daycare, a little boy said, “She’s my girlfriend.” It was cute, but I still maced him. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 16, 2014 My goal in life […]
Unicorn Bites 1/12/14
Wife: Did you eat all the Girl Scout cookies? Me: No W: The box is empty M: W: You have like 4 cookies in your mouth M: I want a lawyer — James Breakwell, Exploding […]
Unicorn Bites 11/9/13
I’d be the best character in any horror movie. *sees something supernatural* *drives away and never comes back* *lives forever* — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 9, 2013 I swerved to avoid a stray […]
Unicorn Bites 10/5/13
The eulogy at my funeral will just be an awkward silence before someone finally says, “Well, the important thing is he’s dead. Let’s party.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 5, 2013 Dear motorcycle […]
The New Fun-Filled Life in Saudi America
I heard a radio commercial advertising for workers for an American company that has a facility in Saudi Arabia. The company boasted that the Saudi location provided great schools and a fun-filled family atmosphere…unless of course […]
True Confessions: My Dishwasher Stabbed Me
Under normal circumstances I would give an “Icky” alert to warn squeamish people before they read this post, but to be honest, the “icky” part of this post is very important as I am here […]