Unicorn Bites 4/19/14

Me: I won the donut-eating contest Boss: It wasn’t a contest. It was just a box of donuts. For everyone. And you ate them all Me: Loser — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2014 Wife: […]

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Unicorn Bites 4/13/14

Wife: You put cheese on every hamburger you grilled Me: Yup Wife: What about people who don’t like cheese? Me: They can go back to Russia — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 13, 2014 Me: *fucks […]

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Unicorn Bites 4/8/14

Married men would be awesome at Jeopardy if they had to phrase their answers in the form of an apology. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 8, 2014 Me: You can wear your purple coat. 1-year-old: […]

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Unicorn Bites 4/5/14

My 3-year-old asks me “Why?” 10,000 times a day, so, no, I don’t think I’d crack under torture. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2014 Me:*wakes up 3-year-old* 3: How old do I have to […]

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Unicorn Bites 4/4/14

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you been saved by Jesus? Me: Can he save me from this conversation? Him: *leaves* Me: Praise the Lord! — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2014 Miley Cyrus is an inspiration […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/21/14

“Grease” is so fake. I’ll go along with a 24-year-old John Travolta being in high school, but I refuse to believe he wanted to bang a woman. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 21, 2014 Me: […]

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