Posts Tagged ‘ daughters ’

Unicorn Bites 6/13/14

June 14, 2014
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Me: Do you want a ponytail for our trip to the zoo? 4-year-old: No. A lion will eat it. Safety first. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 13, 2014 I’ve done a great job educating my…

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Unicorn Bites 6/7/14

June 7, 2014
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My 4-year-old threw a temper tantrum because I can’t give her snow powers like Elsa in “Frozen.” There’s no end to my failings as a father. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 7, 2014 4-year-old daughter:…

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Unicorn Bites 5/30/14

May 31, 2014
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4-year-old: Can I cut your hair? Me: No. Why’d you even ask that? 4: Me: 4: Me: 4: When are you going to sleep? After this, never. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 30, 2014 Me:…

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Unicorn Bites 4/19/14

April 19, 2014
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Me: I won the donut-eating contest Boss: It wasn’t a contest. It was just a box of donuts. For everyone. And you ate them all Me: Loser — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2014 Wife:…

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Unicorn Bites 4/13/14

April 13, 2014
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Wife: You put cheese on every hamburger you grilled Me: Yup Wife: What about people who don’t like cheese? Me: They can go back to Russia — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 13, 2014 Me: *fucks…

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Unicorn Bites 4/8/14

April 8, 2014
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Married men would be awesome at Jeopardy if they had to phrase their answers in the form of an apology. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 8, 2014 Me: You can wear your purple coat. 1-year-old:…

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Unicorn Bites 4/5/14

April 6, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 4/5/14

My 3-year-old asks me “Why?” 10,000 times a day, so, no, I don’t think I’d crack under torture. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2014 Me:*wakes up 3-year-old* 3: How old do I have to…

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Unicorn Bites 4/4/14

April 4, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 4/4/14

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you been saved by Jesus? Me: Can he save me from this conversation? Him: *leaves* Me: Praise the Lord! — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2014 Miley Cyrus is an inspiration…

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Unicorn Bites 3/21/14

March 21, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 3/21/14

“Grease” is so fake. I’ll go along with a 24-year-old John Travolta being in high school, but I refuse to believe he wanted to bang a woman. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 21, 2014 Me:…

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Unicorn Bites 3/10/14

March 10, 2014
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Wife: I said to dress our toddler in tights Me: I did W: Those are leggings I have no idea what I did wrong, so I apologized & took a nap — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)…

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