Unicorn Bites 11/5/13
Women admit they can synch up their periods but still claim they don’t practice witchcraft. You can’t have it both ways, ladies. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2013 Short hair on a […]
Tag: xploding unicorn
Unicorn Bites 11/4/13
Me: Will you ever stop loving me? Wife: I didn't know I ever started. Then we high-fived and went back to not speaking to each other. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 4, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 11/3/13
If by “watch the kids” you mean “exist in the same house as them,” my parental supervision is unmatched. I’m sure they’re in here somewhere. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 3, 2013 Someone […]
Unicorn Bites 11/2/13
Coworker: I ordered pizzas for the office. Me: I love you like a brother. Him: They’re all vegetarian Me: I hope you die of face herpes. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 2, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 11/1/13
The legal drinking age should be however old you are when you realize life sucks. That’d be 12 for me. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 1, 2013 I’m sick of people being underwhelmed […]
Unicorn Bites 10/30/13
I’m curious what it’s like to get enough sleep. Not curious enough to go to bed earlier, but if someone did a study, I’d read about it. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, […]
Unicorn Bites 10/29/13
When I see the frazzled parents of a newborn, I tell them, "Don't worry. It gets easier." Then I laugh maniacally for 20 minutes. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 29, 2013 Me: "That’s […]
Unicorn Bites 10/28/13
My diet plan: 1) cut a brownie in two 2) eat half 3) eat the other half 4) die fat. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 28, 2013 The main reason I knocked up […]
Unicorn Bites 10/26/13
When an apple fell on Sir Isaac Newton’s head, I doubt he really said, “Aha, gravity.” What he really said was probably, “Fuck apples.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2013 Daycare lady: […]
Unicorn Bites 10/25/13
My wife wants me to be prepared for emergencies, but then she gets mad when I stock up on ammo to kill zombies. Make up your mind, woman. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October […]