Unicorn Bites 9/13/14

4-year-old: These taste funny. Me: They’re not candy. They’re decorative soaps. 4: Me: STOP EATING THEM. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 13, 2014 Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle 4-year-old: Give me […]

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Unicorn Bites 9/5/14

4-year-old: Can we trade in the baby for a dolphin? Me: No. 4: But a dolphin can do way more tricks! She makes a valid point. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 5, 2014 Me: Did […]

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Unicorn Bites 6/22/14

[in church] Me: Stop crying or I’ll take you outside. 2-year-old: *keeps crying* Me: *takes her outside* *gives her $1* *opens Twitter* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2014 4-year-old: I’m fighting sharks in space! […]

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Unicorn Bites 6/15/14

I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 15, 2014 4-year-old: Do you want to hear how loud I can […]

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Unicorn Bites 4/23/14

Me: Can I have some of your candy? 3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer? Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: Deal. Wife: NO! — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 23, 2014 Teenager: How fast were […]

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