Unicorn Bites 5/8/14
Priest: Do you take her until death do you part? Me: Unless she poops with the door open Priest: Me Priest: Me: Priest: Well obviously — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2014 Me: You look […]
Tag: fire
Billy Joel: Hostile Witness?
Billy Joel isn’t much help to authorities. He claims he didn’t start the fire, but provides no insight as to who did. I’m pretty sure it hasn’t always been burning since the world’s […]
The Art of Panicking Well
I have been practicing the art of being cool, calm and collected in life situations. I am here to say that I suck at it. I can blame it on being a writer and all […]
Boiled Water For Beginners
Fusion Basic BOILED WATER People boil water all over the world. You simply cannot become a master chef without mastering the art of boiling water. It would be as ridiculous as trying to build the […]
A Night At The Opera House
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK Years ago I shopped at a place called Excel Home Furnishings on the north side of the Noble County Courthouse square. (I didn’t actually buy anything; I was still young […]
L.A. Does Too Have Seasons
This time of year, I often hear people spouting popular misconceptions about the Great Southern California Basin like erroneous factoids spewing out of a Fox News cornucopia. For example, the constantly repeated refrain, “L.A. has […]
Unicorn Bites 12/27/13
I hate going back to the office after a long vacation. Or a short vacation. Or no vacation. Seriously, fuck work. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 27, 2013 Me: I’m going to spelunk […]
Why During Christmas, You Never Forget Your Fire Department
Unfortunately, this is the true tale of the fire in my kitchen this past weekend. Please sing to the tune of 12 Days of Christmas. Don’t worry, I counted only to Five. I don’t want […]
Unicorn Bites 10/20/13
Announcer: “This is not a drill” Me: “Then what is it? A hammer or a saw?” *goes for a high five* *is left hanging* *dies in a tornado* — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October […]
Unicorn Bites 10/8/13
Me: “Don’t pick that scab. It'll scar, & scars never go away.” My 3-year-old: “Sometimes they do. Simba knocked Scar off a cliff.” Touché. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 8, 2013 I could […]