Unicorn Bites 12/25/13
I overheard my 3-year-old say, “I love your mustache.” When we got home I gave her ice cream because she said it to my mother-in-law. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 25, 2013 Divorce […]
Tag: humoroutcasts
Why During Christmas, You Never Forget Your Fire Department
Unfortunately, this is the true tale of the fire in my kitchen this past weekend. Please sing to the tune of 12 Days of Christmas. Don’t worry, I counted only to Five. I don’t want […]
Unicorn Bites 12/23/13
Me: What do you want for Christmas? My brother: Pants. I don’t care what kind. Me: *buys him assless chaps* — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 23, 2013 Me: If I eat another bite, […]
Unicorn Bites 12/22/13
A whale can ejaculate 38 pints of semen. Next time you have bad day, remember it was some scuba diver’s job to collect and measure orca jizz — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 22, […]
Unicorn Bites 12/21/13
Thanks, lady at daycare who gave my 3-year-old a microphone for Christmas. Your anthrax is in the mail. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 21, 2013 Me: Santa is pretend, just like zombies […]
My Impossible Christmas List
Each year, I make out my Christmas list and I say, “Don’t spend a lot on me. Just get me something special.” Well, in case anyone wondered what would be special to me, here is […]
Unicorn Bites 12/20/13
It turns out when my 1-year-old brushes her teeth she moves her head, not the brush. That explains why she gets dizzy and falls over. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 20, 2013 I […]
New Directions In Sales
With two states set to legalize recreational use of marijuana, it’s time for the media to do what they do best – scare and misinform the citizenry. Yes, we’re starting to see articles on the […]
Unicorn Bites 12/19/13
Alcohol kills germs, so I drink it to sanitize my organs. It’s basically a health food. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 19, 2013 Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set […]