Unicorn Bites 4/10/14
Her: I’m out of your league. Me: By about 20,000 leagues, I’d say. Her: Me: Because you’re a sea monster. Her: Me: READ A FUCKING BOOK — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2014 Me: Do […]
Tag: wives
Friday Humor Devotional
Dear Lord, please help me to get out of the proverbial dog house for upsetting my wife. After an unfortunate eyebrow waxing incident I told her she looked fine. However, as she left for work […]
Unicorn Bites 3/6/14
Me: Now do you believe me? Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted. Me: Then who made all that ice? Wife: *walks away* Me: WHO?! — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 6, 2014 Wife: How much do you […]
Unicorn Bites 2/26/14
Me: How was daycare? 3-year-old daughter: My friend pooped his pants on purpose. I like him. Girls always go for the bad boys. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 26, 2014 Wife: It’s unrealistic how Pokemon […]
Unicorn Bites 2/5/14
Me:*stands on the scale* *steps off* *stands on it again* Wife: Why’d you do that? I can’t tell her, but now I know the weight of a fart — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 5, 2014 […]
Cruise To Nowhere
While everyone was very busy ooing and ahhing over the superbowl commercials for things like underwear from David Beckham and sparkling water from Scarlett Johanson – I was mesmerized by another commercial – one where […]
Unicorn Bites 1/30/14
2 inches of snow forced kids in Atlanta to spend the night at school. Canadians have a word for that much snow. It’s “summer.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 30, 2014 Boss: Stop swearing at […]
Unicorn Bites 1/7/14
3-year-old: *hands me a plastic stegosaurus* "Here’s an extra one. Just in case." I don’t know what’s about to happen, but I’m terrified. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 7, 2014 3-year-old: Daddy, I […]
Unicorn Bites 12/30/13
My New Year’s resolution is to make everyone else break theirs. If you need me, I’ll be in front of the gym passing out doughnuts. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 30, 2013 Hot […]
Unicorn Bites 12/27/13
I hate going back to the office after a long vacation. Or a short vacation. Or no vacation. Seriously, fuck work. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 27, 2013 Me: I’m going to spelunk […]