4-year-old: What’s hope? Me: The first stage of disappointment. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 29, 2014 How women plan a party: 1) Pick a theme 2) Make decorations 3) Cook festive foods How men plan […]
Are these soldiers: a) Fleeing to their barracks because George W. Bush has just started his “Mission Accomplished” speech? b) Victors in a game of Capture The Flag? Or c) Doing a foot race to […]
When I hear about shoppers who die on Black Friday, I worry because my mom is out there right now & she’s probably the one who killed them. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November […]
Wife: Does this shirt make me look pregnant? Me: No, it makes you look fat. Just once, it’d be nice if my brain and mouth worked together. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, […]
I envy kids in highchairs. I want to eat something so intensely I have to be strapped in. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 29, 2013 Police shouldn’t use dogs. There are other trainable, […]
I can’t watch the Olympics. All that jumping, climbing and running. Exhausting. When does the Lying Down Olympics start?