Tag: humoroutcasts

Unicorn Bites 5/5/14

James Breakwell

The fastest things in the universe: 1) sound 2) light 3) regret immediately after I made any decision — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2014 I never put my money where my mouth is because […]

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Unicorn Bites 5/4/14

James Breakwell

My stages of drunk: 1) I don’t feel buzzed. 2) I’m drunk, but I’ll pretend I’m not. 3) Fuck it. I’m wearing a kilt. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 4, 2014 Me: I DON’T HAVE […]

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Unicorn Bites 5/3/14

James Breakwell

Dear strangers, Stop telling my pregnant wife she has a “bun in the oven.” It makes her hungry and then I have to buy buns. Sincerely, Me — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 3, 2014 Women […]

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Friday Humor Devotional

Deb Martin-Webster

Dear Lord, please help me delicately explain to my ingenious, recycling, music loving girlfriend that I would gladly buy her a waterproof iPod to use whilst she enjoys her day at the beach, Amen.

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Unicorn Bites 4/30/14

James Breakwell

I don’t know why everyone complains about fake people. My imaginary friends have never asked me to give them money or help them move. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 30, 2014 3-year-old daughter: Can I […]

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Unicorn Bites 4/28/14

James Breakwell

My 1-year-old thinks her name is “Go watch TV,” so, yes, I’d say I’m a good parent. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 28, 2014 Me: That milk came from a cow. 3-year-old: What animal did […]

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