Unicorn Bites 1/12/14
Wife: Did you eat all the Girl Scout cookies? Me: No W: The box is empty M: W: You have like 4 cookies in your mouth M: I want a lawyer — James Breakwell, Exploding […]
Wife: Did you eat all the Girl Scout cookies? Me: No W: The box is empty M: W: You have like 4 cookies in your mouth M: I want a lawyer — James Breakwell, Exploding […]
Me: What’s the most recent picture you have of me? My mom: *pulls out an ultrasound pic* Me: That’s it? Mom: You weren’t a pretty child. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 11, 2014 […]
3-year-old: Why is your belly so big? Wife: I have a baby in there 3: Does daddy have a baby, too? The fat shaming starts early. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 10, 2014 […]
Dennis Rodman: *goes to North Korea* *wins basketball game* *kills Kim Jong-un* N Koreans: You freed us! D: Nope *becomes new dictator* — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2014 I saw a woman […]
Sorry I hit your wife in the face with a Frisbee. In my defense, she looks exactly like a golden retriever. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 1, 2014 New Year’s Eve wasn’t as […]
Women are hard to read. The same polite smile can mean “I’m happy” or “I’m going to hit you with my car.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 29, 2013 My wife and kids […]
Me: Where’s Ken? 3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him. I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 26, 2013 […]
A whale can ejaculate 38 pints of semen. Next time you have bad day, remember it was some scuba diver’s job to collect and measure orca jizz — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 22, […]
Thanks, lady at daycare who gave my 3-year-old a microphone for Christmas. Your anthrax is in the mail. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 21, 2013 Me: Santa is pretend, just like zombies […]
3-year-old: My feet are cold. Me: Why did you take off your socks? 3: Daddy, you’re not helping. Me and my useless, unrelated questions. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 16, 2013 Wife: You’re […]