Unicorn Bites 12/25/13
I overheard my 3-year-old say, “I love your mustache.” When we got home I gave her ice cream because she said it to my mother-in-law. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 25, 2013 Divorce […]
Tag: funny
No Actors were used in the filming of this.
I have this massively inflated opinion of myself. In my head, I’m the ruler of 17 Eastern European countries, I print my own money and am never wrong. In reality, I am only the ruler […]
Unicorn Bites 12/23/13
Me: What do you want for Christmas? My brother: Pants. I don’t care what kind. Me: *buys him assless chaps* — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 23, 2013 Me: If I eat another bite, […]
This looks like the real thing but looks can be deceiving.
The internet is full of information and this is a good thing. Thanks to the internet, I actually sometimes come across as having a semblance of intelligence but it’s not me at all, it’s the […]
Unicorn Bites 12/22/13
A whale can ejaculate 38 pints of semen. Next time you have bad day, remember it was some scuba diver’s job to collect and measure orca jizz — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 22, […]
Not Funny.
Everyone thinks they’re funny these days. Everyone thinks they’re comedians. I think I’ve given out a total of 5 Diploma’s in Comedy this year so I don’t understand why so many people are claiming to […]
Unicorn Bites 12/21/13
Thanks, lady at daycare who gave my 3-year-old a microphone for Christmas. Your anthrax is in the mail. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 21, 2013 Me: Santa is pretend, just like zombies […]
Fun With MRIs
Many people go into panic mode when they think of getting an MRI. To them, it’s like being stuck in a locked coffin with a jackhammer being piped in. I have never had that problem. […]
My Impossible Christmas List
Each year, I make out my Christmas list and I say, “Don’t spend a lot on me. Just get me something special.” Well, in case anyone wondered what would be special to me, here is […]
Unicorn Bites 12/20/13
It turns out when my 1-year-old brushes her teeth she moves her head, not the brush. That explains why she gets dizzy and falls over. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 20, 2013 I […]