Unicorn Bites 3/28/14
Things women do when they play hard to get: 1) block your phone number 2) move 3) marry someone else Don’t give up on her, bro. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2014 Me: Where […]
Tag: humoroutcasts
Unicorn Bites 3/27/14
Me: Do you think Luke Skywalker is hot? Wife: No, he’s lukewarm. M: W: M: W: M: W: If you tweet that I said that, I’ll kill you. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2014 […]
New Missions?
Are these soldiers: a) Fleeing to their barracks because George W. Bush has just started his “Mission Accomplished” speech? b) Victors in a game of Capture The Flag? Or c) Doing a foot race to […]
Unicorn Bites 3/26/14
Fair warning: If you invite me to your kid’s birthday party, I will buy him a drum set and a puppy. Leave me out of this. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2014 Wife: Who […]
Unicorn Bites 3/25/14
Ladies, only move in with guys who own cats. They’ve already been trained to serve small, ungrateful creatures who think they own the place — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2014 Justin Bieber is awfully […]
Unicorn Bites 3/24/14
Wife: Are you OK to drive? Me: I passed a breathalyzer. Wife: That’s your iPhone, and you licked it. Me: Are you a cop? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2014 3-year-old: What happened to […]
Celebrities Are Just Like Us
I reached for an US magazine on the table in the customer lounge of my Ford Dealership. The lounge—they make it sound as if there is a bartender on duty offering Apple Martinis as a […]
Unicorn Bites 3/23/14
3-year-old daughter: I have 2 boyfriends Me: No, you have 2 friends who are boys 3: I’ll marry them Good luck doing that from the convent — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2014 I sent […]
Successful Retirement
From comedian Bob Elliott, of the iconic comic team Bob and Ray, as told to David Pollock : “A requirement of successful retirement is having a daily schedule of activities, and sticking to it. This […]