Unicorn Bites 3/22/14
Me: Do you want me to put your hair in a bun? 3-year-old: NO! My hair isn’t a hamburger. Touché. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2014 The former child star on “Two and a […]
Tag: humoroutcasts
Unicorn Bites 3/21/14
“Grease” is so fake. I’ll go along with a 24-year-old John Travolta being in high school, but I refuse to believe he wanted to bang a woman. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 21, 2014 Me: […]
Unicorn Bites 3/20/14
3-year-old: Let me drive Me: You can’t reach the gas 3: I’ll use my hands M: How will you see? 3: With my butt M: *gives her the keys* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, […]
Unicorn Bites 3/19/14
Malaysia Airlines is going to be so embarrassed if it had all its planes this whole time and somebody just miscounted. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 19, 2014 Some people actually look up to the […]
Unicorn Bites 3/18/14
I drink in moderation, but I define “moderation” as “not quite enough to kill me.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 18, 2014 A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, […]
Kevin Trudeau Expected to Find New Happiness Behind Bars?
Infomercial hawker Kevin Trudeau, whose books Natural Cures ‘They’ Don’t Want You to Know About and the New York Time Best Seller, The Weight Loss Cure ‘They’ Don’t Want You to Know About was sentenced […]
Unicorn Bites 3/17/14
My 3-year-old daughter asked, “If I eat a leprechaun, will my poop turn green?” That mystery will keep me awake tonight. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2014 Oh, you wore green for St. Patrick’s […]
Unicorn Bites 3/16/14
3-year-old: Daddy, are you stronger than a gorilla? Me: Is there one here? 3: No. Me: Then yes. Absolutely yes. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2014 3-year-old: What happens if my brain falls out? […]
Unicorn Bites 3/15/14
Don’t do drugs, kids. The extra demand drives up the price. Wait, I mean because drugs are bad for you or something. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 15, 2014 Not to brag, but I pooped […]
Unicorn Bites 3/14/14
I once convinced my toddler that my pregnant wife swallowed a seed and has a watermelon growing in her stomach. Childhood must be terrifying — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 14, 2014 3-year-old:*asks “Why?” for 99th […]